Why? Why does it hurt so much to see the two of them together? I ask myself as I walk out of the train station hall.
Stepping out of the main entrance, I pause for a moment and look back through the glass doors. Should I really just leave? I pull my phone from my pocket; the clock shows 15:30. I look back at the doors again.
Whatever, what am I even hoping for anyway? I already found my answer—I genuinely don't love Clara. And Alex has already found what he is looking for, too. Even if he wants to help me later, his heart won't be fully in it anymore. Everyone is like that; even I am like that. In the end, I'll probably still run in circles without any answers anyway. But is Clara actually safe with Alex?
Bismillah. I pray for a moment. Clara is always a strong girl anyway, and Alex, well... I leave her to You, God, please.
I turn around and decide to take off. I need to move fast before he can catch up with me. I don't want to see his face again. Remembering his look just really makes me mad.
Honk! Honk!
A car horn blasts from my right. I forgot to look both ways before crossing.
It's the drop zone anyway; vehicles and people keep coming and going around. I am always so careless on the road. Often, I fail to notice vehicles that are right next to me. It is also hard for me to predict whether a vehicle is about to move or not, which direction it is turning, how fast it is going, or whether it is my turn to walk or stop. People always get pissed at my choices. Making decisions is definitely not my thing, let alone the quick ones. Earlier with Alex, I felt a bit safer because he always seemed to look out for me. But now that I am on my own again, I have to carefully watch my own steps.
I finally manage to break out of the station area. I have no idea where to go. Guess I'll just catch a bus home then, I tell myself. I spot a shelter down the road and head over.
When I arrive, I sit down, but no bus is in sight. I check the map app on my phone; the bus is still far away. I can't wait here. Alex will definitely guess I'm here and chase me down. I need to walk to one or two stops further away, I think. I then stand up to move again. Before leaving, I take a quick look at the women around me who are also waiting for buses or rides.
I continue my walk to the more distant bus stop. I walk fast but stay alert because I'm always that clumsy—frequently slipping, tripping, or stumbling. When I was a kid, my leg even fell into a pothole. The streets are muddy, and some sidewalks are slippery now after the rain earlier. I certainly don't want to fall, hurt myself, and end up with my clothes dirty and soaking wet—that would be a total nightmare. I keep looking over my shoulder just in case Alex is tracking me; I need to hide quickly if he shows up.
Women, always women. They always get what they want. Sure, just take all the men with you, why not? God blesses you, and they all love you. While me, even nature hates me. I get nothing but hell. I hate them. I hate them all, I grumble in my heart.
I hate it when they say so confidently, "Don't worry, let me handle it. Guys can't say no to us girls."
I hate it when they always say, "All guys are just like that, they're all the same." I feel like I hear this everywhere and every time I go.
I hate it when they say, "Sorry, this is girls-only," or "This group is just for women."
I hate it when during sports class, they always kick me out of the classroom so they can change. It is okay if it just takes a few minutes, but they keep laughing and chit-chatting inside while I have to wait outside for too long. Why can't they just change in the restroom like the other boys do? Does everybody assume that all guys like girls and must make way for them forever? I'm sorry, I don't like them that much.
I hate it when they can do guy things, while I myself can't, then they rub it in my face. While I try to be cool and praise them, "You really are the man," suddenly they get upset? What do you want anyway?
Like in P.E., they look so proud when they can finally beat a guy like me. Hello, I'm not your competition in this. You need to look for another guy who actually matches your level.
Even during orientation, the female seniors would often yell, "Are you a guy or a girl?!" By saying that, aren't they just degrading their own gender? What's wrong with you girls?
Ugh, I hate them, I hate them all. I keep grumbling all the way long.
"I guess this is far already. I don't think Alex would run to me here," I say to myself after walking far enough from the previous stop, beginning to slow my pace.
Why am I thinking all of that, God? I wonder. Is this called misogyny too?
But I feel like I'm a woman too, You know; isn't it normal for a woman to hate other women out of natural rivalry? But I guess it's not all women; I never have a problem with women who love other women too. Some of my friends seem nice too, actually. Clara too. Argh, this is all so confusing. Wouldn't it be much easier if the world only had one gender? But if pairing up like this is the best for everyone, why did You even create me like this, God?
Suddenly, a man holding his little girl's hand cuts right past me, while grumbling, "Walking so slow, just like a girl." Even though he doesn't explicitly direct his words at me, it really hurts and makes me feel mad. I feel like I want to confront him and say, "What did you just say?" But I don't have the energy to cause a scene. I can only grumble to myself, What happens if someone in your family turns out to be just like me. But I hold back when I look at the little girl he is holding. It makes me wonder—is it possible that my parents once said the wrong words to someone like me, and I ended up cursed like this?
I move my attention back to that arrogant man again. You normal men, do you really think I am that weak? Sometimes, I just want to know what it feels like if our situations were reversed. Would they really stay true to their words? What would they do if their bodies suddenly couldn't react to the opposite sex but to the same sex instead? Would they keep staying true to their religion like they claim they would? Could they manage to feel alive while constantly fighting their own body and the whole universe, while also being very lonely at the same time? Can they hold their desires for the rest of their life like they advise us to do? Or would they give up on their religion even faster than we do? If so, then who is weak now—them or us? Could it be God gives us this burden because He knows we are the strongest ones who can handle it?
Besides, doesn't religion itself tell us to never say anything that we don't actually do? They told us to hold back forever, while they leave us behind, thinking it is our own fault and chasing their own pleasures claiming it's the religion's mission—when it's actually just what they want all along. Which one do you think is the best in the eyes of God? A loyal friend who is willing to wait longer for their friends, or a selfish person who leaves sooner when they have a chance? Well, don't blame us if someday God ever punishes this country, because you're not actually being a good friend too. My point is, if you don't do it, I don't think you can say it at all. I only want to hear advice from someone who actually does it, not just someone saying empty words.
Huff. I let out a long sigh, finally reaching the further bus stop. I don't know why I suddenly hated everything just now. If only I could just be happier being myself, I certainly wouldn't think this way. I sit down, watching two guys chatting while walking around me. I don't know if they are a couple or not, but for some reason, it feels peaceful and such a beautiful scene to me. Even though I am alone, just by seeing them gives me hope that I can have my own future too, here. Only thing is... I wish I knew which path is correct. Is it mine that I live now or theirs who choose to be free? Man, I got the feeling, these questions feel offensive all over the place, I mutter to myself. If people knew in this era I am still thinking like this, they probably would throw rocks at me.
"Billy!" suddenly Alex calls out to me from far away on the left side of the road.
Oh, damn it. Why did I look back?
I have to go now, I have to go now!
I spot a right turn on the right side of the road, not far from the shelter. I don't know what I'm thinking, I just run there fast hoping I can lose him.
"Billy, wait!" He calls to me for the second time.
I manage to turn the corner ahead of Alex. I keep walking briskly, moving my feet fast.
"Did I lose him?" I ask myself.
But suddenly, my foot steps onto a tilted, slippery section of the sidewalk. I, who have been so careful all day to avoid doing anything clumsy, finally slip.
"Oh nuts."
Updated 06/11/2026
© billysan89. All rights reserved.
No comments:
Post a Comment