"Did you have any more strange experiences or relationships with boys after that?" Alex asks. We're still in the middle of our journey to meet Clara.
"Yeah, there is always one in every school," I answer. "But I didn't know what kind of relationship it was because... well, like I said before, we were both guys."
"So, are you going to tell the story, or what?" Alex teases me, asking for more.
"Yes... wait... just a second," I reply, still trying to figure out where to begin.
***
Middle school. The first days are some of the worst. This is my first time going through the school orientation, and I already feel unwelcomed. There's a lot of yelling and bullying; whatever you do is never right. It's like a monkey zoo out there. My house is already like this, and now school is, too? The teachers act like they don't know anything about it, when in reality, they're the ones who let this happen. And they call this an 'educational place'? Whatever, this game is not funny. You'll see soon, it's going to destroy the country.
Days after, the laughter and mocking smiles of everyone I saw that day are still glued to my mind. I can't even go outside my class in peace. I don't know if the people out there are being real or not. The seniors, the teachers, my own classmates and peers—they look nice now, but I have seen their mocking faces before, so... yeah, I don't believe them. Clara is not here with me anymore. Her dad is stationed on another island, so she has to move. I am all alone now. I choose to stay inside the classroom during recess; I don't want to go out there where everybody's going to be mad at me anyway.
In middle school, you can't be "cute" or innocent anymore. The kids here are adult wannabes now, especially the boys. One move where you act like a child or queerer than most adults out there, and you're going to get mocked until you've completely changed or blended in. Everybody starts searching for what they're into, looking for role models they can look up to and more activities outside of school. Changing is exhausting. I just want to stay a kid. Being an adult is boring, I groan to myself. I don't even think middle school is going to be fun at all.
But then I meet Finn, my own male classmate who also loves drawing cartoons, just like me. What?! I have never found anyone like him before in my elementary school. I'm so curious. I want to get to know him better. And I don't know why, but somehow, we click instantly just like that, unlike me with the other boys before.
Maybe it's because we're so alike. We both love to draw, love cartoons, listen to the same music, love computers, and he mostly hangs out with girls too, just like me. I always enjoy my time with him. Every time I'm free, I grab my bike and dash over to his place. We spend hours drawing, singing karaoke, or chilling at internet cafes to download free programs and weird mini-games. It's so exciting. Finally, for the very first time, I actually have a guy friend that I can talk to.
It's actually my first time too, finally hanging out at the mall with a friend, not my family. There is this little department store not quite far away from Finn's house; we usually get there with a minibus. Sometimes we go watch movies together when the new cartoon ones come out. Sometimes we just browse a lot of CD and DVD cases at several music and video stores without buying any. Games and software too. We also stop at the supermarket section too; they have a bunch of branded cartoon-themed things like stationery, mugs, and comics that we can stare at all day. And I have never bought any clothes on my own before, but with Finn, I find this blue hoodie that I still wear till today, and I finally decide to buy it. It really is a fun time hanging out all day with him.
The problem is... since I don't have any other guy friends, I always come to his house alone. The truth is, I prefer it that way—just the two of us. Every time I'm with him is always a good time and I hope he feels the same, even though we fight all the time too.
However, the more I visit him alone, the more I am aware of 'that' religious warning about a man liking another man. Every time I stand on his doorstep, I start to feel guilty. Have Finn's parents ever questioned the relationship between me and him? Do they think I am a bad influence on him? Why can't I just bring other friends so we don't look so strange? I ask myself. Eventually, I start to think this meeting with Finn happens too often, so maybe I do need to keep my distance from him.
Since then, I stop visiting his house as often as I used to, even though I know I don't want to. Sooner or later, I do have to learn to respect other people's privacy too, right? I think to myself.
One day on a school break, I message him saying I want to come over to play, and he agrees. But when I arrive, it turns out he is also doing a group project with some of our girl classmates. He must think I am okay with this since we are all classmates after all. But actually, I do need to learn to get used to this kind of situation in the future, too. So, I try to get along with them, then.
But the group work seems to take more time than everyone else expected. And I can see Finn's attention keeps splitting between me and his study group. So then, I decide to head home early. Deep down, I really wish today is just about the two of us. I miss him a lot. But, I don't think I can keep him for myself forever, right?
Next year, Finn and I are no longer in the same class. Class seems boring without him around. Every recess, I often visit him in his classroom. But now, he has a bunch of new female friends who are closer to him and way much "cooler" than me. They even have their own inside jokes that I don't quite understand. I don't know why suddenly I feel like a little bit left behind.
Finn is basically the male version of Clara—a total social butterfly. Even though he doesn't have many male friends, like me, he is very confident having so many female friends around him and doesn't care what people think about him. I should be more like him. During my last two years of middle school, I still can't find another friend like him. Meanwhile, his world keeps getting bigger and better. If only I can be more mature, sharing friends like usual friends do, of course I still can be close with Finn like the old times. But I choose to let him go because I only want the moments when it is just the two of us. I really don't know what's wrong with me. On the other hand, I am actually glad he can grow free and is no longer "trapped" with me.
What is this feeling, anyway? I thought Finn and I were just friends, but why do I feel this jealousy? Do I have more than just friendly feelings for him? I feel like I've been such a terrible friend to him.
Updated 06/11/2026
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