Alex and I resume our journey toward the train station to meet Clara. As we walk, I continue to share the next chapter of my life story: the college years.
Back then, I have absolutely no idea what college is like or how to even sign up for it. I simply follow whatever Clara does. We apply to a ton of places. I can't even count how many times Clara has me ride on the back of her motorcycle, driving us here and there for entrance exams every single morning. Out of nowhere—surprise!—we both get accepted into a design school. While I can picture myself surviving there, what about Clara? She's not really good at drawing. Will she be okay after all?
Honestly, I think college is going to be different. Moreover, this is a design school; there must be a lot of people who can draw here. I can imagine myself finally hanging out with 'my people'—it's going to be as easy as I am with Finn. But it turns out, they hold a monkey circus here too. Even worse, it lasts for a whole semester, and it instantly crushes my dream. The well-designed campus building I used to see suddenly feels like hell to me. I thought we're adults now? Why are we still playing this game? Didn't the Prophet always teach us not to make life hard for other people? Just so you know, a lot of my friends are still on bad terms to this day because of it. Is this tradition really worth keeping?
Anyway, in the first week, we are all divided into several teams. Clara and I, unfortunately, are placed on different teams. Just hearing that news already makes me want to skip the next day entirely. But a miracle does happen. On the second day of orientation, a new, late member just shows up, and he looks so gorgeous. Dave is his name. His appearance completely reminds me of Zac—the very first boy I have ever liked—but now in a college guy version. The entire day, I can't help but peek at his fascinating looks whenever I can. The seniors can yell at me whatever they want, but as long as Dave and I are on the same team, I feel a little bit more secure.
Turns out, activities on that day end up running quite late. Out of nowhere, Dave looks at me and smiles. "Hey Billy, is your dad coming to pick you up? If not, do you want to head back with me?" he offers, as I already told him my details before.
"No, I haven't contacted him yet. Where do you live anyway?" I reply, acting cool.
"We go the same way. Let's head to my house first, grab some dinner, and then I'll drop you off at your place. Sounds good?" Dave explains his plan.
"Cool," I say. If only he knew my heart is about to explode right at that moment. That night, I sit on the back of his motorcycle while we ride along the already empty city streets. It is just me, Dave, and the sparkling city lights. It feels like the world belongs to just the two of us. It is truly a beautiful and magical night for me.
The initial orientation week finally ends, and actual classes begin. But they keep the hazing alive outside the class until the end of the semester, claiming we're not 'real citizens' yet. Whatever. At least Clara and I are back together again. We are in the same study program, while Dave turns out to be in a different major. Clara and I choose the exact same classes just so we can always be together.
As usual, Clara picks me up and drops me off every single day. She's indeed not good at drawing, but she has a really good eye for design. Whenever she needs something drawn, it's my turn to save her. We are always seen together; some assume we are a thing. In fact, Clara already has a boyfriend—a new one—outside this department; they met each other during a pre-orientation event.
As for me... I am still thinking about Dave. Usually, I see him at the cafeteria or campus park, hanging out and joking around with his male classmates. I can only say hi and pass by. I can't join them because, you know, I still can't talk to guys. It will be awkward if I just sit there and have nothing to say at all.
But one day, I just decide that I want to get closer to Dave again. Even though I know I can't have him, at least I need to start learning how to socialize with other men. I think that maybe, through Dave, I can find a way to communicate with all of them. I'm an adult now, and my parents are getting old. If I don't push myself to mingle with other men, what will happen if I need their help in the future later? I can't keep asking for help from my female friends like Clara. It will eventually look strange and soon may bring misunderstanding to their own families.
"Actually, I have no idea what I am doing," I tell Alex. "First, I try to mimic Dave's style. He's the kind of guy who looks well-groomed and neat, yet still down-to-earth. Compared to him, I look like a total nerd and a freak, so I guess it's time for me to pay a visit to that slightly expensive barbershop I've never had the courage to enter before. After a totally awkward moment where I stay silent the entire time because I can't even decide what haircut I want, I go to a minimarket and grab some 'made for men' products. I buy men's shampoo, men's facial foam, men's cologne, men's hair gel, and even men's protein milk. Some I actually use, and some... I instantly regret buying them in the first place."
The next day, I head to campus wearing a t-shirt and a jacket, mimicking the exact style of Dave and his peers, proving that I can be a little bit loose too. I also ask Clara not to pick me up anymore; I decide to go on my own, riding my bicycle even though campus is about ten kilometers from home. On campus, Clara probably notices the drastic change in my appearance, but she only smiles and chooses not to say a word. Now, whenever I meet Dave hanging out around, I force myself to stop a while and join his crowd. I need to get used to this anyway, so let's see where this is going.
Dave himself always seems happy whenever I join the circle. And I'm actually glad to be there, too. But as usual, I still can't find anything to say because their topics are way too advanced for me. I can only nod, smile, or laugh along to respond to their conversations.
"Hey Billy, let's hit the central cafeteria. Keep me company while I grab lunch," Dave says to me one day, right after the group wraps up.
"Okay, but we have to come back here later, alright? I park my bike here," I reply.
"Oh, you ride a bicycle to campus? Why don't we just go together from now on? I hate riding alone anyway," Dave offers.
"Oh, okay," I answer, trying my best to suppress my excitement.
After that day, I always ride on the back of Dave's motorcycle to campus. Even during breaks, I often spend my time joining him and his friends. But still, I'm mostly a passive listener in that circle. But as long as Dave is by my side, and we go home together anyway, I guess I can get by. Sometimes, I see Clara passing by us too. We only wave to each other and then she goes somewhere, probably to meet her boyfriend in the other campus building.
Then one day, I mess up. I completely forget that I have already promised Clara to help her shop for design supplies. Meanwhile, I already promised Dave to hang out with him too at the exact same time.
"Fine, just go with him. I can shop by myself. Ever since you changed and started hanging out with him, I already used to go everywhere by myself, so it's not a big deal, don't worry about me," Clara says, her sarcasm is a little bit confusing to me.
"I'm so sorry, Clara. Please, he's going out of town tomorrow, so can we just go shopping tomorrow instead?" I plead. I don't know why, but I still choose Dave over Clara, even after what she just said.
The next day, it becomes clearer that she is mad at me. She never answers any messages I send to her all day. I then sit and try to think over again what I've done. Is it really that big of a deal? I think to myself. She disappears with her boyfriend all the time, so why can't I? I wish she knew my situation that I really need a male friend so badly. But of course, I can't tell her a serious thing like that, right? But I'm the one who broke my promise anyway, so it's actually my fault. Besides, no matter what I do, I still don't fit in with those guys. And what am I doing with Dave, anyway? Once I know he gets a girlfriend, my heart will hurt bad all over again. Maybe it is right all along—the people who I can talk with are actually just the ones who feel sorry for me.
The following day, Clara and I sit right next to each other in class, still on silent terms. Out of nowhere, an advertising project drops that needs a ton of illustrations.
"Hey, Clara, if you need help sketching anything, I can draw it for you," I break the silence.
"Are you sure you don't have more plans with... what's-his-name again? I don't want to get ditched again," Clara snarks at me.
"It's Dave, Clara. I'm really sorry about that day... I totally forgot. Pray for me so that I won't forget again next time?" I apologize, then end it with a joke, trying to keep it light.
"Whatever, don't say that name again, I'm not in the mood. Now, help me draw, and it better be good!" Clara says grumpily. Finally, Clara and I are on good terms again.
From then on, Clara and I just put our focus entirely on our studies. We help each other to cover up our flaws. I draw; she handles people. We hang out together, mostly at that pizza place where we usually do our projects until late. No more being close to Dave and his friends, no more fancy barbershop, no more 'made for men' products. Just me, Clara, and my college. In the end, we manage to graduate together right on time.
At the graduation ceremony, Dave comes over to congratulate both of us. He hadn't managed to graduate that year yet, because I know his major is harder than mine. "You guys are amazing, always so in sync and graduating together. Am I sensing a wedding invitation, or what?" Dave says to me with a wide grin.
"We're just friends, Dave," I reply to him with a smile, since Clara is still very much with her boyfriend, who is also graduating somewhere around there.
After that graduation moment, I don't think I ever run into Dave again.
Updated 05/30/2026
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