Chapter 09: The First Love

 

"So, you have a lot of female friends, right? You know, most guys would actually be jealous of you," Alex says while we are still walking on our journey to meet Clara. "Did you actually ever have a crush on any of them back in grade school?" Alex asks.

"I’m not sure. Before I even knew what physical attraction was, it felt like I could just like anyone by admiring their personality alone," I tell him. "With girls, I admired how they talked, how confident they were, how they were much smarter than me, and obviously the way they dressed and how they did their hair too, of course. They were way more fascinating than the boys, who were just plain boring and gross."

I stop for a second, thinking back to those naive days. "If life were as simple as a fairytale movie, I could imagine staying best friends with Clara until we grew up, then getting married and living in a house of our own. I'd work in an office, she'd cook, and soon after, a stork would deliver a baby to us, and we'd live happily ever after. Perhaps almost all kids my age thought the exact same way back then."

"But what I didn't get, though..." I continue, "I heard that some kids in my class were already 'dating,' even though teachers and parents always warned us not to do it yet. Why couldn't they just wait until they were older? What’s up with the rush? What's so fun about dating, anyway?" I ask, as I really have no clue at all.

***

In the fifth grade, I remember one afternoon walking home from school with Clara. We share the same route, so we spend the whole way joking around and laughing. As we reach the end of our shared road, we run out of words to say and stop. We’re just standing there for a moment, facing each other, staring and smiling.

I start to wonder, Is this what they call love? Do I feel like holding her hand? I don’t think so. Do I want to kiss her like in those famous cartoon movies? No way. Of course, even if I want to, I’m not going to do it. I’m just checking my feelings. Do I want to hang out like this every single day? Hmm, I think it would wear out at some point, right? I think to myself. Clara and I can’t hold our smiles anymore; we then laugh at the awkwardness, wondering what that was all about.

"Okay, I'm heading over now. Bye," I say, as my house is still further away on the other side of the road.

"Okay, bye! Take care!" Clara says, waving. We split up and head toward our own houses.

On the way home, I'm still thinking: Besides... if I were really in love with her, I would imagine it’s going to be fun to go on dates anywhere, just the two of us, right? But I don’t think it's the way I feel deep down in my heart.

***

"So, if that happened with one of your handsome male friends instead of Clara, would you like to kiss him?" Alex asks, breaking my train of thought.

"Not really, at least not at that age," I answer, blushing. "But I definitely could feel something different—something I never experienced when I was with my female friends."

I remember having a group of male classmates; we usually hang out together at one of my friends' houses during the school breaks. Actually, my friends usually plan everything together, and I just follow them around. We play video games, do homework, or maybe just go cycling around to buy some school supplies. But there are times when everyone else has to cancel after I have already arrived, so it is only me and the friend who owns the house left to hang out.

When I am with a crowd, I don't feel anything special toward my friends. But when it is just the two of us—like when my friend teaches me how to play video games because I am so bad at them, or when he lets me ride on the back of his bike—I always wish those moments would last forever. It feels like having the big brother I never had; a kind one, not a bully. I hope he didn't regret ever hanging out with me, because I know I am so lame and needy.

Sometimes when I hang out at one of my friends’ houses, I meet their fathers too. Most of them look so much younger than my dad, and their bodies are still in shape. When they’re at home, usually they are just wearing a singlet, doing their chores, while I just say hi and pass by. Suddenly, that same sharp pain in my chest I felt back in kindergarten returns. Yet, a lot of times I’m still curious; I just want to step back and peek at them again. But of course, that’s going to be weird, so there’s nothing I can do except wait for another chance to pass by them again. Back then, I still don't realize what’s actually happening to me.

On the other hand, when I see my own father at home, I feel nothing. Perhaps of all the men I know, including myself, my father is the only one that I am never interested in. Which is actually good, and I do want to feel just like this whenever I see other men around. But I still don’t know what the secret recipe is yet. Is it because he’s simply ugly to me, or is it because I already know his bad side all my life? When I try to apply this mindset to other men, it just never works.

***

By the end of my fifth grade, outside of school, I gather my courage to learn the Quran at the mosque near my house. I want to learn more about Islam while also trying to practice my social skills. Who knows, maybe I’m finally going to mingle with boys better here at this new place.

Turns out, I’m too late to join the basic level for my age. My friends there are mostly little kids. Fortunately, there are a few kids my age too, but they’re all girls and only two boys who are younger than me. To be honest, I'm a little bit disappointed because I expect to meet more boys my age that I can be friends with. Well, it’s actually my fault for waiting too long to gather my courage to do this. My timing is always bad.

But then I meet Zac, one of the two young boys there. He’s actually rude and mean, like the usual average boys I’ve met. But his looks really remind me of my favorite uncle from out of town, which is so… I don’t know, I always fall for this type of person anyway. I know I said it’s hard for me to remember faces before, but when you know, you just know what you like. And I still can’t describe it properly, though. He smiles a lot, his ears are big like mine, his face is long, not round like mine, and his hair is in a prince charming style. I can't even get mad when he teases me because I’m weirder than other boys he knows.

What surprises me is, it turns out, he is way more mature than me. He’s good with little kids and has already memorized a lot more verses and duas than I have. It’s often he’s the one who teaches me to memorize my duas while playing with his mini toy cars with the other kids. I don't know why he still stays at this level with me, but it turns out sometimes he also joins the advanced level at night with the bigger kids—which I can’t do because my mind is already overloaded with homework from school.

Ever since then, every time I come, he’s the only one I’m always looking for. Even though he ends up teasing me and being mean anyway, I can’t even remember why I joined this class in the first place anymore.

So, not long after that, right after the Eid al-Adha holiday, my teacher asks me in class, "Billy, did you get your share of the meat from the mosque yesterday?"

"No, I didn't," I answer honestly, since I haven't personally received anything that day.

Suddenly, Zac, who is also sitting in front of me playing around with the other kids, cuts me off with an angry look, saying, "Yes, you did! I delivered it to your house myself with my friend too. Your father was the one who received it."

Hearing that from Zac himself, I feel completely ashamed of myself. Zac must think I'm greedy, trying to get an extra portion. I feel so foolish for not checking with my parents first. Meanwhile, Zac has every right to be mad; he probably doesn't want anyone to misunderstand and think he hasn't done his job right. The worst thing is I can only sit there frozen and say “Oh” to both of them.

I am so embarrassed. The angry look Zac gave me that day gives me enough reason to never return to that mosque again. I know he probably doesn't think much of such a small thing, but I am so disappointed in myself for almost causing him trouble. I don’t think I can face him anymore. We never meet again after that day, though a part of me still wants to. One day, I even dream he kisses me on the cheek, and I wake up feeling so happy.

That is the first time I ever feel so nervous and jumpy dealing with someone. Perhaps Zac is the first love that I never realized I had.

Updated 06/14/2026

• Chapter 10: The Middle School >>
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© billysan89. All rights reserved.

Chapter 08: The Elementary School

 

On my first day of elementary school, my mother takes me on her bicycle. As usual, I arrive too early. I walk into an empty classroom that is still strange to me, filled with rows of long wooden desks. No more colorful desks like in kindergarten here; everything's painted in plain, dull brown now.

My mom sits with me for a while. "If the teacher asks you to introduce yourself in front of the class, remember what I taught you yesterday, okay?" she whispers. I simply nod, while my eyes still wander to all my surroundings, feeling a bit unfamiliar with my new classroom.

Suddenly, a girl with a familiar triangle bob hairstyle approaches us. It really is Clara. "Hey, Billy! Looks like we're meeting here again," she greets me cheerfully. She looks so confident, entering the classroom by herself without her parents tagging along. My mom smiles, looking so relieved that I already have a friend here.

"I'll wait outside, okay? Be brave and be a smart boy," Mom says, while she pats my head. I kiss her hand out of respect before she steps away.

"Can I sit next to you?" Clara asks, pointing to the empty spot.

"Yes," I say, keeping it short.

***

At seven o'clock sharp, our new teacher rings her mini traditional bell as a sign that class is about to start. After she introduces herself and calls our names one by one, she talks about a lot of things that I don't even understand.

"So, who wants to be the class president?" she asks, signaling for us to raise our hands. I totally miss what she says here because of the loud noises around. "Please come forward and introduce yourself."

Suddenly, the noisy classroom goes silent. Not a single child raises their hand. "Come on, don't be shy. Is there anyone brave around here? Please come forward and introduce yourself," the teacher encourages us with a warm smile.

I don't understand why nobody raises their hand. If it's just introducing myself, I think I can do it exactly like my mom taught me. I want to prove to my mom and everybody else that I am a brave boy.

Sadly, I raise my hand.

The teacher looks so delighted and beckons me forward while the other kids applaud. "My name is Billy. My full name is..." I recite my birth date and address as well, exactly as my mom coached me. When I finish, the class goes quiet for a moment.

"Alright, so Billy will be your class president from now on," the teacher announces. "You all must listen to him; don't give Billy a hard time." She then starts telling me a bunch of duties and responsibilities that I have to do every day, which no one else seems to get.

I stand there for minutes being a yes man. I still have no idea what just happened. I thought this was just a regular introduction. Finally, my teacher lets me sit back down while she signals the other kids to applaud me once more.

"Wow, congrats! That was brave," Clara says, clapping. I reply with a flat smile. I sit down in a daze, my arms folded on the table, still wondering, Why did I have to raise my hand? Clara only smiles at my confused expression. Next, the teacher asks for a vice president, and Clara immediately raises her hand while hinting a smile at me.

And so, we become the class officers together. I'm just glad I won't have to face this alone, even though Clara is the one who does most of the work with far more enthusiasm than I do.

***

From that point on, I become closer to Clara. But we're not really that close. Even though we sit together every day—mainly because Clara is the one asking for it—our connection ends at the school gates. We know nothing of each other's private lives. I simply have no clue what friendship is for, while Clara is just a free spirit who is meant to get along with anyone. But still, she is the one who has known me since before I wore glasses. Back in fourth grade, she notices that I need a pair. Being nearsighted back then feels like a sin; 'coming out' to my parents about this thing is really hard to do. But then, we learn to accept it, and as the years go by, it becomes common anyway. I have worn glasses ever since, and now I wonder why we worried so much back then.

Aside from Clara, almost all my friends are girls. I don't know why talking to them is easier than with the boys. They are open to any topic, from lessons, hobbies, gossip, and cartoons, to even dreams and such foolish imaginations. Their humor is easy for me to understand.

But sometimes I wonder: do I really click with them, or do they just choose simple topics that I can keep up with? And I hope this isn't just because I'm a boy or because of my good grades. If only they knew, I'm not that smart. I get those grades simply because I'm obedient and good at memorizing the teacher's quick notes. But no one believes me anyway.

On the other hand, talking to boys is hard. They're more into "cool" topics like sports, bands, traveling, manly skills, and life experiences—any masculine things that I can never seem to master. Their humor often sounds harsh and mean to my ears, even though they're actually just kidding. It feels like there is always a wall between me and them—a wall that still remains to this day.

But that doesn't mean I can just avoid them forever. During Religious Education, I have to separate from Clara due to gender segregation and sit with the boys instead. I prefer to sit with one of the 'good boy' groups. They tend to be polite, quiet, and more open-minded. This is the safest zone I can think of rather than mingling with the 'wild boy' groups. Being handsome and neat is often one of their best features. I am always curious how they can manage all of those things without being gay like me.

Anyway, I always think I can be friends with them; like when it is just the two of us, we actually can talk about anything like I do with the girls. But as soon as they reunite with their other male friends, I can see they behave way more naturally with them. They talk about more advanced topics, laughing loosely and teasing each other. I can't even keep up with them anymore; I just become a good listener, or completely invisible. It feels as if they are just forcing themselves when they are alone with me, playing around only because they have no other option. In other words, yeah, no matter what, I still can never, ever really talk to those boys.

***

Talking about religion, back then my family is never that deeply religious. My relatives follow various faiths, while my parents practice Islam. Unlike most of my friends who are already raised in a Muslim background and are used to learning the Quran every single afternoon, I actually only know a little about my faith. I don't even know that praying five times a day is a must. Since my school grades are good, my parents assume I have it all figured out.

It isn't until the fourth grade, after reading a textbook, that I realize it really is a sin to leave a single daily prayer. I feel ashamed of myself and scared; I don't want to go to hell, too. So I start practicing my prayers every day since then. Which is also important for my exams later someday.

Unfortunately, I always get mean religion teachers at school, I don't know why. Other religion teachers seem nice and understanding, but I never get one like that. There is always punishment and shaming during the lessons. Between this and P.E., these are the two subjects that have always been at the bottom of my list. I understand my religion better through books rather than learning it with my teachers at school.

"Remember, no touching between boys and girls!" my teacher warns us every day.

"You're punished for not wearing an undershirt!" he snaps once to a boy.

"You're punished because your skirt is too short!" he barks once to a girl.

"Men and women are forbidden from looking at each other's bodies," he once declares to us.

Suddenly, a friend throws a joke, "What about man and man, Sir?"

"That is even more forbidden!" the teacher replies with an angry look.

Hearing that, all my male classmates burst into loud, mocking laughter.

"The same goes for women," the teacher adds with a little snark.

Watching everyone laugh that hard makes me think that it must be something really bad in the eyes of God. Even though I haven't realized my own feelings yet, I can't bring myself to laugh too. I can only smile a little bit, just enough to fit in.

Updated 06/14/2026

• Chapter 09: The First Love >>
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© billysan89. All rights reserved.

Chapter 07: The Signs

 

"So, Billy... did you already have 'girly' habits when you were a kid?" Alex asks, checking. "Like, do you always like this pink?" He points to my wax duck toy, which I still use to check on whoever passes by. "Or do you always choose cute toys, like this, over the boy toys, like model cars or something?

"Hmm... I guess. To be honest, most of the things I like and do are kind of girly," I admit. "You're right, I never liked toy cars. My aunties used to buy me ones, and my mother once bought me a bicycle version too. I appreciated their thoughts, really. But I couldn't help but laugh at how ugly those were to me." I laugh a little. "I preferred to play with cartoon figures, plushies, or robots that had unique looks—mostly ones that were cute and had vibrant colors. Anything that looked different from real life, because I don't know why, reality just quickly bores me."

"Same goes with colors. I am always attracted to bright, artificial shades that are rarely seen in nature. Like this pink," I gesture to my duck toy. "But if it's too dull, I'm not interested anymore. I like any color as long as it stands out."

"But out of all colors, which one is your most favorite?" Alex asks.

"Red, I think. That's why I like this pink; it's reddish. I'd probably die of boredom if there were no red on this earth," I joke. "Well, except for blood... It terrifies me."

"What about blue? Like your jacket?" Alex teases.

"I... actually don't like blue," I make a point. "But I don't know why, somehow blue always looks good on me," I say, grumbling a bit while looking at my reflection in a shop window with my hands on my hips. I can see through the glass that Alex is smiling right behind my back.

"What about sports? Did you like playing ball?" Alex asks, moving to his next list.

"Nope. Volleyball, basketball, soccer, tennis, ping-pong... I've tried them all. I'm bad at them. I can't throw the ball, can't kick it, can't hit it, can't catch it, can't control it. I never get better at it, so I might as well just give up," I explain.

"Was there any other sport that you liked?" Alex asks again.

"Well, I used to like cycling or jogging. But then I had to interact with my neighbors, and I'm also so clumsy. I always freak out when I'm bleeding. So yeah, I stopped unless I really had to," I say. "Am I just the lamest or what?"

"So, what did you like to do back then?" Alex turns to me again.

"Good thing I can draw. I've always loved watching cartoon characters on TV, comics, magazines or sometimes on my mom's tabloids. Their colors, their unique shapes, their fashion—they always caught my eye, making me want to create my own. So that's when I started learning how to draw, it turned out I was actually good at it. And it eventually became my career as an illustrator to this day. Honestly, I don't think I have any other skills besides this," I confess.

"Cool. So let's talk about cartoons back then, which ones did you prefer? Girl shows or boy shows?" Suddenly, Alex is interested in this topic.

"Well, mostly girl shows," I grin. "I never understood the stories back then, so I just watched their characters. I always loved the princesses. Their hair, their dresses, their magical items, their powers—it all seemed like a perfect combination to me. Meanwhile, characters on boy shows are usually dull and boring to me. That's probably why they were never my favorites. And here I thought I was just being a normal boy." I say to Alex.

Alex chuckles a little, then asks for more. "So, did you ever imagine yourself as a princess when you were a kid?"

"Yes, when I was alone. But I didn't wear any girly stuff like dresses, skirts, or accessories. I actually tried my sister's once, but they looked so ugly on me, so I just decided that they were never meant for me. I could only imagine how the princesses moved, how elegantly they walked with their dresses, and somehow, maybe it affected how I walked back then.

But then school started, and I saw how my friends walked. I realized I looked so weird and I didn't want to get picked on. So I had to force myself to change it back to a manly walk. And I did succeed, I think. Even though it took time and it's still not completely perfect," I tell Alex.

"And maybe this is also why I still have hope that I can change myself to like women. If I could change how I walked before, then probably I can change who I like too, right?" I explain my theory. "But then again, there's a long bucket list of habits I need to change if I really want to act exactly like a man. Even when I sit, I always cross my legs. My voice on the phone is also still mistaken for a woman's. Do I really need to change everything about me?"

Suddenly we saw a drag queen busking across the street, with children around them, cheering and mocking.

"So, how did you react when you saw drag performers like that when you were little?" Alex asks.

"WelI back then, I thought they were just ordinary men trying to earn a living by being comedians or something. I never understood why people mocked them. I was never sure if they're annoyed by the children, or actually it's good for their business" I answer.

"Ok then, so let's review our answers so far...," Alex quickly moves the topic, "No sports, no toy cars, no manly skills, love vibrant colors, love arts, love princesses, but walk and talk like one... Oh, one more thing, if you could name your bike, laptop, or other belongings, would you give them male or female names?"

"Male, I guess," I grin.

"Oh, one last thing... Which do you have more of, female or male friends?"

"Female. I find it very difficult to talk to men."

"Yes, with all of that, do you think having all of these things lead to the conclusion that a boy is definitely gay?" Alex asks.

"Hmm... I used to think that. But now that the internet is accessible to everyone and information is easier to get and share, I guess I have started to learn a lot. People are brave enough to come out as gay now and turn out some of them are actually professionals, working in fields that demand masculinity such as athletes, soldiers and mechanics. On the other hand, some men who appear flamboyant aren't even necessarily gay either; many of them have female partners or already have loving families of their own. I guess being gay is just purely about an attraction between men, regardless of whether they are feminine or not."

"So, there's no connection, then?" Alex asks, drawing a conclusion.

"There's no connection, then," I echo, shaking my head.

We go quiet for a moment.

"Have you checked on that drag performer?" Alex asks, changing the topic. "What is the result?"

"Yup, one bubble. Still a woman," I answer unexcitedly. "But I think I saw two other empty bubbles after that, just for a split second. Do you know what they mean?" I ask Alex.

"Hmm, I don't know. It's probably nothing," Alex replies casually.

"Okay, then." I can only nod in agreement.

Updated 06/11/2026

• Chapter 08: The Elementary School >>
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© billysan89. All rights reserved.

Chapter 06: The Kindergarten

 

"Wait a second," I cut him off. I look at him sideways, wondering if he really knows everything. "Do you actually know where we are going?"

​"To see your friend, Clara, right?" Alex answers easily. "She is heading back to the city for work. Her train leaves at four this afternoon from the station near her house. We need to catch her before then, don't we?"

​I am completely stunned. "How do you even know all of that?"

​"Well, I do have my own informants," Alex smiles, looking pleased with my confusion.

​"But that station is pretty far from here. Are we really going to walk the whole way? I thought angels could just, you know... blink and be there?" I ask, still feeling a bit suspicious.

​"I certainly could, but what about you?" Alex points out. "Do you want to see her or not? I'm here to keep you company. How often do you get the chance to take a stroll with an angel like this anyway?" He gives a slight smile while pointing his thumbs up to himself. "Besides, you seem to have a lot of stories you want to tell, I guess?" Alex says while watching something above my head.

​"How can you tell?" I ask curiously.

​"Well, I can't read your mind exactly, but I can see your aura colors. I can tell if you're trying to be honest or lying, or if you like someone or not, or if you're holding something big in your mind. It all looks very clear to me," Alex reveals.

​"So, now, how about we just take a slow walk? We can talk about anything. Whatever you like, or something that makes you happy, I don't know. I've got time. And maybe after that, who knows, this dark cloud covering your light will fade, and you'll finally see your future soulmate. What do you think? Sounds good?"

​I fall silent for a moment. "I guess... but why are you helping me? What's your deal anyway? Is there any catch?"

​"Nothing, okay," Alex laughs lightheartedly. "I'm an angel. It's my job to help anyone in need. My 'boss' will be very pleased and I might even get a reward if I succeed," he explains. "So don't worry, there's no catch at all. I purely just want to help."

​"Wow... thank you very much, then," I reply, feeling a bit relieved.

​"Don't mind it," he replies. "So, where do you want this to start?"

​Suddenly, Alex's question that has been cut off earlier flashes back in my mind: When exactly did I start having feelings for men?

***

​"Don't forget, everyone—we all meet here at six tomorrow morning! Don't stay up too late, or you won't be able to wake up on time," my teacher reminded us about the Independence Day carnival our school was participating in.

​"Yes, Teacher!" we answered in unison.

​Our school was joining others to parade through the neighborhood, wearing traditional Indonesian costumes from various provinces. Clara and I were assigned the traditional attire from Kalimantan. I wore the male version, and she wore the female one.

​The next morning at 5:30 AM, my mother and I arrived at school. I noticed that only I and my female classmates had arrived early, all dressed up from home. Only one other boy had shown up. It felt like forever waiting for the others. I was bored listening to the parents and teachers chatter. Back then, I wasn't very good at making friends, including with Clara. They were just familiar faces to me.

​After nearly an hour, the other boys finally started to arrive—and as usual, some were late. Why are boys always late? I wondered to myself.

​We gathered for instructions. Suddenly, one of my male friends said to his mother, who seemed skilled with makeup, "Mom, draw a mustache on me!"

​"Alright, alright," she laughed.

​Seeing that, the other boys began pleading with their mothers too. "Mom, I want one too!" "Me too!" Before long, almost all the boys had different styles of mustaches drawn on their faces.

​"There, you look handsome now!" one father praised his son.

​"Look at me, I look like a grown man now!" another boy boasted.

​"Hahaha, your mustache looks weird!" "Yours too!" They teased each other and laughed.

​I watched them from a distance, sitting quietly with my mother and the group of girls.

​I used to feel just fine when I looked at all my friends, but when the boys put all their mustaches on, I felt something strange happened to me. Why do they look so different now? I asked myself. Suddenly, I felt a cold sensation around my chest as if something had been sliced inside. I really don't know how to describe it well. My breath felt short and I got chills, but that's not it. I had never felt anything like this before.

​But then it was gone just like that. I wonder what that was all about. It leaves me with that question every time I feel it. It's like my brain couldn't accept the idea of my friends turning into 'adults.'

​Suddenly, a friend's mother offered the same to me. "Does Billy want a mustache too?"

​I shook my head quickly. No.

​"Alright everyone, are we ready?" my teacher asked.

​"Ready, Teacher!" "Let's go then!"

​I began walking with Clara by my side, following the parade in line. Everyone looked happy, but I always hated crowds, cramped spaces, costumes, and celebrations. Now I had to watch my friends with their fake mustaches too; I just couldn't wait to get home and forget all of their faces.

***

​"So, do you think you've already felt it since you were five years old?" Alex asks me to confirm, bringing me back to the present.

​"I guess. But back then, the feeling was still so small, not as big as I feel nowadays," I confess.

​"Hmm... interesting," Alex replies, looking like he already has some follow-up questions to ask.

Updated 05/22/2026

• Chapter 07: The Signs >>
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© billysan89. All rights reserved.

Chapter 05: The Big Dark Cloud

 

"Hmm, Let's not jump to conclusions yet." Alex tries to calm me down.

"This could be because of that incredibly dark aura of yours I've been telling you about. There's a very big dark cloud covering your light right now. That must be the reason why we can only see blackouts in the water, I think you need to get rid of it first" Alex explains, sharing his theory.

"Really? But how?" I ask him back, buying his story.

"Well... can't you just make yourself cheerful again?" Alex asks lightly.

"That... I don't think I can. I've tried everything, but nothing works," I sigh.

"And why is that? Do you have even bigger problems?" he asks me, curious.

"It's nothing, actually. But I don't know why it's such a big thing to me," I confess. "I'm so pathetic in real life. It feels like everyone my age has grown up, they can keep up with the world, while I... I still don't understand so many things. I'm still clumsy and I struggle to do anything right."

"I'm bad at timing. I can't read situations. I don't know what to do at social events—parties, weddings, funerals, or anything. I can't share things. I can't remember or... process complex things, I think. I can't connect dots. I can't remember directions. I barely travel anywhere. I can't remember faces, even my own. I can only recognize people by how they sound. A lot of times people seem pissed because I bump into them, yet I still fail to recognize who they are. How can I hold a conversation with all of this going on? It feels like I'm so lame and no fun at all, you know. Honestly, even little kids seem more mature than I am. Do you understand what I mean?"

"Hmm," Alex hums. I can only presume he understands.

"I thought if I could find something I liked in this world, maybe all of these problems would slowly go away. I could move forward, focus on what I like, and feel motivated to fix my life. Like everyone else does?" I say, a bit unsure. "But it's so hard for me to find something I like. And once I finally do... it's like I'm at odds with the entire universe and everything in it," I add.

"Because you can only like men, but a relationship between men is forbidden, is that it?" Alex tries to connect the dots.

"Yes. And I still haven't found a solution for those two big problems of mine—you know, being slow at life, and... being gay, I suppose," I say it in a lower voice. "And I keep hurting people day by day. And I'm going to end up in Hell anyway. So yeah, that basically explains why I feel so completely down right now."

"Well, you could just quit your religion if it's too hard for you. Problem solved, right?" Alex says calmly.

"I know, I do understand that I am the one trapping myself here. But I still believe in my faith. Almost all of my God's verses that I study make perfect sense to me. It's only this one part that goes against who I am, but yet it's a huge red flag for the whole point of this religion," I say honestly. "I believe there must be a reason why God made me like this. But I still can't find it, and I don't know what to do or think anymore."

I take a short breath before letting it all out.

"Also, this is my lowest point, anyway. And it's good to know that I already have other ways to escape from this pain whenever I'm ready. But I feel like sooner or later, I'll face this again, because this is what I have always feared in my entire life. So I really need to find a real solution first. That way, if I ever end up in this state again, at least I can tell myself I'll be fine."

"Well, if that's really what you want, then maybe our meeting here is fate," Alex says. "It's funny, because I'm actually on my way to give a message to your friend, Clara too."

"Want to come along and see her? Maybe this time, with me, you'll finally find the answers you've been looking for all along," Alex fixes his eyes on me. "What do you say? Is it worth a try?"

"Wait, you mean go see her right this second?" I ask, holding back.

"Yes. Are you in or out?" Alex asks again.

"Hold on," I stop him.

What should I do, God? Is this a good idea? What if he's a demon trying to trick me? Or a criminal who will take advantage of me now that he knows my secrets? Will You keep me safe? My heart races with fear.

Bismillah... "Okay... I'll come," I say, nodding a little, still a bit unsure.

"Well, let's go, then," Alex says, pointing our way out with his thumb. Together, we begin to walk.

***

Interlude

In the void, I often imagine myself drifting away, floating in the middle of darkness surrounded by the twinkling stars. It's so peaceful and quiet. Just me, completely alone, free from everyone. I close my eyes; my body feels light. I treasure every breath I take without feeling rushed by the time.

But before long, loud voices begin to echo, breaking the silence, even though I still see no one around.

"There must be something you did wrong," I hear an echo coming from my right.

"Everything is created in pairs," says an echo coming from my left.

"Men are always with women," says an echo coming from behind me.

I turn around, but still, I can't find anyone.

"But if that's true, what about the Earth?" I scream back at the echoes, spinning around, not knowing where to face. "What is its pair? Is it the moon, the sun, the sea? Or the sky?" No one replies.

"If hot goes with cold, then what about 'warmth'? What is its match?" I ask them one more time.

I challenge the echoes back because I know the answer now, that everything that comes in pairs is never an object, it's always a trait. While an object is always mixed up between a lot of traits.

"What you feel isn't real," I hear another tiny echo.

"It's all just your own desire," another whispers from somewhere else. They're not listening to what I've just said to them.

I fall silent, starting to doubt myself. They could be right. I don't even understand what I really feel, myself.

"What about those born without clarity, neither man nor woman? Who are their partners?" I ask the echoes again.

I know the answers. It's never about the objects—man or woman physically. It's the traits within them, human traits in general. The pair to 'normal' is always queer. The pair to masculine is always feminine. Humans always have both; the difference is always the amount of each within them. Things always have both hot and cold elements in them. What makes something hot, cold, or warm is always the intensity of both. The earth, moon, sun, sky, and sea were never meant to be pairs of each other. A pair is always about what's above and what's below.

I was going to explain this to them, but then a whisper came to my right ear, saying...

"You're just hearing things; they aren't real,"

"Have you ever actually seen them with your own eyes?" another whisper in my left ear.

"Are you a pervert, Billy?"

Suddenly, loud laughter comes from all directions, making fun of me.

***

"So, when exactly did you start having feelings for men, Billy?"

Alex's voice suddenly startles me, waking me up from my daydream as we continue our journey to meet Clara.

Updated 06/14/2026

• Chapter 06: The Kindergarten >>
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© billysan89. All rights reserved.

Chapter 04: The Wax Duck

 

"Hey... sorry, I forgot to ask your name," I ask, a bit ashamed that it took me this long.

"You can call me Alex," he says with a bright smile.

Wow, I think, totally fascinated by the way he speaks. His looks and his name are just a perfect match. Well, he looks exactly like my type anyway, so yeah.

"And you?" he asks, waking me up from my daydream.

"Oh... Billy. My name is Billy," I say quickly, making sure he won't think my name is "Ohbilly" like the jokes in movies.

"Cool. Love that name," Alex replies with a smile and a nod. I stay silent, feeling like my heart is going to burst.

"Hey, Alex, what do you think about men and women, males and females? Is it true that everything is created in pairs like that?" This is the one thing I really, really need to know. "I know you can answer whatever you like, I just want to know if you have a different perspective on this," I add.

"As far as I know in my existence, yes, everything is paired that way," he answers clearly.

Boom. Instantly, my fantasies of being with Alex shatter. I really hope he can't read my mind right now.

"Angels like you, too?" I ask, curious.

"Well, that's a secret. You don't have to know everything, right?" he replies while raising his eyebrows.

"Okay, sorry," I say, nodding in understanding.

"Hey, I've got something for you," Alex says, making me curious. "Oh,... maybe this can also answer that question you've just asked"

"Here it is... Keep it" He hands me the wax duck toy that I didn't dare to buy earlier. "You want that, don't you?"

I am surprised. This is so sweet. God is really playing with my feelings right now. "Whoa, thank you so much. How did you know?" I start to suspect again that he can read my mind.

"Well, I saw you were going to buy it earlier, but then you turned around, so yeah" he explains.

"Wait, you actually bought this, right? You didn't steal it?" I ask, and he just chuckles.

I hold the string of the wax duck toy he gives to me and start to stare at the toy in awe. A pair of tiny white ducks float peacefully inside the clear, pink water. It's really beautiful. Suddenly an old memory flashes in my mind of how bratty I used to be, crying to my parents just to get one of these. I smile, feeling a little sorry for being such a difficult kid back then.

"You said this could answer my question too? How?" I ask, intrigued.

Alex smiles. "You know... water is everywhere and it's always connected, even all the way up to Heaven," he explains. "Water has seen many things and can tell you what it knows, if only you knew how to ask it."

I stare at him in awe now.

"I've just whispered to the water inside your wax duck to respond to your request," Alex continues. "Now, point it at anyone in this park, and it will show you their true soulmate."

"You're kidding, right?" I ask in disbelief.

"Just try it," he replies casually.

"How am I supposed to talk to it?" I ask again.

"Just follow your gut," he says.

"Hi water, hello..." I say, looking closely at the wax duck and even waving my other hand. "Can you show me the soulmate of..." My eyes search through the people walking around the park. "That man?" I pick someone at random to point at.

"Is that right?" I ask Alex, checking if I am doing it correctly.

"Perfect," he replies with one thumb up.

"Now, do you see that? Two large bubbles have appeared in the water. Look closely, what do you see?" Alex points out.

I begin to stare at the bubbles. Inside, I see the faint shapes of human profiles, though they aren't quite clear to me.

"They are all that man's soulmates later in Heaven," Alex explains.

"Wow, really?" I ask in awe.

"You might not be able to see their features clearly, but you can see that they are all women, right?" he adds.

"I guess so," I reply unenthusiastically. "But why does he have two? If everyone is created in pairs, shouldn't there be only one soulmate?"

"Well, 'paired' means a man and a woman, it's not about the number," Alex explains. "Every human is created with their respective partners in Heaven. Some are truly a single pair, while others have more than that. Perhaps it depends on their personal needs, who knows."

While I already suspect that the concept of pairs is exactly like this, Alex's confirmation that everything will always be paired as man and woman somehow hits me a little hard.

"If you were to have a soulmate, how many would you want? One or more?" Alex suddenly asks.

"Just one, I think," I answer after some thought.

"Then it's likely that you'll have only one soulmate in Heaven," he replies confidently.

"I see," I nod in understanding. "But what if that man already has a wife here, in this world? Is his wife included as one of his soulmates?" I probe further.

"I don't think so," he answers. "Only humans are sent down to Earth, while their respective soulmates remain in Heaven. They will only meet again later in the afterlife."

"Though, in very rare cases, some are sent down together and actually find each other on Earth," Alex adds. "If you ever see a couple who get along perfectly and never argue, they might be the ones."

"Wow, how lucky they are," I reply in awe.

"So... Can I still test this on other people ?" I ask, gesturing to my wax duck.

"Be my guest," he answers.

"Can I point it to a picture?" I ask again.

"Nope. It only works on real people," he explains.

"Can I point it to you?" I ask him with a grin.

"It won't work, I told it to not show anything about me" answer Alex with a snarky look.

I do it anyway, but nothing comes up. "I guess it really doesn't. I will test it on someone else then" I said to myself.

"You better be," said Alex with sharp eyes.

One by one, I point my wax duck at whoever passes by my bench. The result is always the same. For every man, his soulmate is a woman, and for every woman, her soulmate is a man, no matter the number. I furrow my brow.

"You're behind all this, aren't you?" I start to be suspicious.

"It's up to you to believe it or not," he answers.

"Yeah." There is nothing I can do but accept it.

"Hey, Alex, do you think my soulmate will be a woman too? But why can I only think about men?" I ask with a sigh.

"Why don't you try it on yourself?" Alex suggests.

I take a deep breath and ask the water to show me my own soulmate. Suddenly, the pink water turns ink-black. No bubbles, no faces. Just darkness.

"Wait, what's happening? Why is it turning black?" I ask, panicked.

But shortly after, the dark color disappears and turns into pink again.

"Try it again," Alex suggests, he seems confused as well. But still, the water turns black every time I ask about my soulmate, only to return to normal a few moments later.

"Well, that's new. It's not supposed to happen like that," Alex said, surprised.

"Does this mean... I really don't have any future at all?" I ask, my voice trembling with sadness.

Updated 06/09/2026

• Chapter 05: The Big Dark Cloud >>
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© billysan89. All rights reserved.