Alex and I are still sitting on the bench, enjoying our lunch. We watch people passing by across the road. All of a sudden, I chuckle and smile.
"I used to want all of these, you know. Watching men with a better sense of style and fashion like this."
Back then when I was a kid, the era was different. Most men still didn't care about the way they looked; they wore oversized clothes, and their hairstyles were not as neat as today. Those with a metrosexual look and well-fitting clothes—which I found decent—were still rare to see. Sometimes, I wondered if all men had this sense of style, the world would be a more beautiful place to look at. But now that my wish has come true, I see almost every man looking so modern everywhere, grooming their hair, wearing fitted clothes and pants—even their backs look good to me. Suddenly, I just want to take back my wish and go back to when everybody still looked plain.
"I really wish I never had this feeling," I sigh, smiling to myself.
Not long after that, we start to see a bunch of high schoolers just coming out of their school. Some of them walk in groups, some alone, and some seem to have already found their own pairs.
"So, how was your high school? Was it any fun?" Alex asks me.
I turn to Alex with a smile. "Not really."
"For me, high school is... just too much," I tell Alex. "The first week, as usual, that monkey zoo carnival from middle school is back again. Getting yelled at by seniors, teachers acting dumb, yada yada yada. My house is still like that too. It seems like my ears never get a rest from hearing nothing but high-pitched noises. My entire body also keeps getting hot and aching everywhere as I feel all the changes inside. On top of that, I am fighting an internal battle too, still unable to accept the concept of growing up. It feels like everything is just trying to make me nervous all at the same time."
At school, ever since they officially launch the new curriculum, my teachers never give me quick notes anymore. Instead, we have to read everything from the books by ourselves, then come to school just to discuss it. This actually already started to happen during my last two years of middle school, but back then the status was still an experiment, and I already found it a bit difficult to follow the subjects.
In the previous curriculum, I find it easier to learn when my teacher notes down important points on the board or through dictation. But now that all of that is gone, I keep losing track of what and from which points I should learn in every subject. I have to read everything from scratch from the actual books. It would be easier if they are in a listing style, but they are mostly explained in full, long paragraphs like an adult book—a format that I always find hard to read.
Aside from that, the lessons are actually way more difficult than in middle school. I can still manage Mathematics because it is simply just putting numbers into formulas. But Physics and Chemistry can't be that simple anymore here. Social studies like History, Politics, Culture, and Economics use a lot of terminologies and real-world concepts that are hard to understand now, so I can't keep up with those either. I'm starting to feel my limitations here. In the end, I can only survive by memorizing all the question-and-answer sheets my teachers usually hand out. That, and being obedient, are the only ways I make it through this high school, where miraculously I get a lot of A's later.
Every day after school, I bring home a ton of homework. I spend my afternoons finishing it, and if there is any time left, I play on the computer for a bit until my bedtime. At night, I often can't sleep now. Ever since that mature site incident, I keep thinking about it. I wish I had never seen that, but it's all my fault anyway.
Eventually, I decide to start fasting every Monday and Thursday, like my holy book suggests, and also add Dhuha prayer as my new habit, hoping God will help me to get rid of those memories. Well, it works during daylight, but at night when I am alone, those ghosts still haunt me anyway.
By the way, Clara is back in town and we're in the same school again. It turns out her father's work placement was only temporary. Unfortunately, we are never in the same class and we only meet when we have time. There's been a three-year time gap since the last time we met, so it's not like we're that close anymore. She also has a boyfriend now, but I only hear stories and never meet him in person.
That is pretty much my high school life. Nothing interesting happens. Usually during recess, I just stay in the class, pretend to sleep, enjoy the sunlight from the window, and cuddle in with my own blue jacket, waiting for the break to be over. Until one day, in the twelfth grade, We have a scheduled swimming class outside of school, and suddenly, Edward, my classmate, approaches me.
"Hey, Billy, do you have a ride to the pool later? If not, do you want to go together with me?" Edward asks me.
What...?! How could a popular, cool guy like him suddenly ask a dork like me? This is insane, I wonder to myself for a second.
"Cool. What time are we leaving?" I'm so excited that I reply quickly before he can change his mind.
Actually, swimming is never my favorite. First, I hate dealing with water; being wet always makes me feel uncomfortable. Second, swimming means there's always changing clothes. With my situation right now, having to watch so many guys strip down in the locker room and by the pool like that—I don't even know if I should feel happy or sad.
Good thing I'm shortsighted. During swimming lessons, I leave my glasses behind. Even though everything looks all blurry, at least I can feel a little bit of relief. Sometimes, I wonder an extreme question: If I had been born blind, would I still be attracted to men?
Days after that, Edward and I become closer than before. We start visiting each other's houses even though we live far apart. Sometimes we hang out at the mall with other friends. But still, Edward and I always go together. I don't know about him, but whenever we hang out together and I ride on the back of his motorcycle, even the hottest weather suddenly feels so cool around him. And I feel like I can see flowers blooming everywhere. What I feel back then is like a combination of my feelings for Finn and Zac. Deep down, I think to myself: If Edward were a girl, is this what they call love?
But sooner or later, I notice the same pattern: I isolate him from others, like I always do. And then, 'that' God's warning comes back to me again. Questions start invading my mind. Dear God, should I stop now? Have I crossed the line? And as you probably already guessed, eventually, I have to keep my distance from him, just like I did before with Finn.
One day, I hear that Edward finally has a girlfriend, and I actually feel relieved because that is how it is supposed to be, right? Finally, I'm free from that guilty feeling too. But deep down in my heart, I am actually sad, because I feel like I'm losing him. Sometimes I'm also thinking, Why can someone else have him while I am always fated to lose him anyway? This is not fair. But then again, I don't understand what kind of feeling this is. Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe someday when the time is right, I will fall in love too with a woman that God already destined for me as my soulmate. I keep trying to reassure myself with this.
At the high school farewell trip out of town, everybody seems to already have someone. Meanwhile, I hear that Clara has just broken up with her boyfriend. I don't know why, but I decide to approach her. Turns out, we still have the same click we had back when we were kids. We then spend the entire day walking together, enjoying our holiday and forgetting all of our sorrows. I smile seeing her happy again. There is that slight thought questioning that maybe Clara is still the one I'm looking for all this time. But then again, my feelings for her are never as big as what I feel for Edward, Zac, or even Finn. Maybe it will grow later? I don't know, and I don't want to think about that. I just want to stay friends with her; I don't want to ruin this great moment we have right now.
"People say high school is the most beautiful time of their life. But for me, if I can turn back time, my most beautiful days were still with Finn back in middle school..." I tell Alex, watching the kids in high school uniforms walking around the bench where we sit.
"Let's get moving again," I say to Alex, while standing up and throwing our empty plastic petulo containers into the trash bin.
Updated 06/14/2026
© billysan89. All rights reserved.
No comments:
Post a Comment