"So? Have you found what you're looking for?" Alex teases as I keep checking on people around through my wax duck toy.
"Not yet," I reply, disappointed. "Everything's still the same—man and woman. But lately, I've been seeing more and more people get one soulmate bubble, but then followed by several empty bubbles behind it that eventually vanish. Is that normal?"
"Sometimes, yeah..." Alex answers casually. "I don't pay much attention to it, though, as long as their soulmates appear as a pair of man and woman. I don't think it's an issue at all."
"Can you ask the water what it really means, please?" I ask, still curious.
Alex shakes his head. "I can't. I can ask the water to show me something, but I don't speak its language. I can only guess what it's trying to show."
"Hmm, I see," I answer, nodding.
"So, what am I supposed to do when I actually meet Clara later?" I suddenly move to the topic I am more worried about.
"You don't necessarily have to meet her. Watching her from a distance is enough. I just want to see through your aura if you really have any love for her when you see her in person," Alex explains.
I breathe a sigh of relief. "Phew, I thought I really have to actually talk to her again. I honestly wouldn't know what to say. And it's going to be awkward because she would probably think I was stalking her all day."
"However, what if it turns out I don't really have feelings for her?" I ask again, curious.
"Well, who knows what will happen later, right? We'll see. I still have time until sunset, though. I'll try my best to help you, once my business with Clara is done, OK?" Alex promises me.
Suddenly, the Adhan call to Dhuhr prayer begins echoing from nearby mosques. I pretend to stay cool, waiting for Alex's reaction—would he remind me to pray? But Alex keeps walking as if he hears nothing special.
"Alex... I'm sorry, do you pray?" I ask hesitantly.
"Nope," he replies shortly.
Did I really, really choose the wrong religion? I ask myself, confused, coming back to this question again.
"Do you want to pray now? I don't mind waiting. There's a mosque," he says, pointing to a nearby building.
"Is it okay if you come with me? I'm a bit nervous about going to new places I've never been before," I ask him.
"Sure, let's go," Alex replies.
If only I had someone beside me like this all the time, I say to myself, while Alex leads me across the road to the mosque.
"Everything set? I'll wait for you outside then" Alex asks me, after he helps me map out all of the mosque rooms.
"Yes, thank you," I say with a smile. "I should be done in about twenty minutes."
Alex just gives me a thumbs-up.
I step into the prayer hall. Fortunately, I still have my wudu from home, so I don't have to deal with water again. Being wet makes me a bit anxious. I look at the timer screen; I still have enough time to do a few sunnah prayers before iqamah, the last call to start the main prayer. I look for a big, spacious row around the back of the hall, then start to pray.
Praying in congregation is actually a bit of a struggle for me because I have to face the crowd frequently. Aside from that, it always feels like I don't really belong here either—I think I've read or heard statements like this before somewhere. In the male section, I find it hard to blend in with the other fellows. I feel uncomfortable, too, because I am actually attracted to them. Can you even imagine how it feels to walk into a mosque full of men every single Friday? Usually, there is also a shaking hands custom after or even before the prayer; sometimes I wonder, If I shake their hands, will my wudu still be void?
Perhaps I'd be better off in the women's section since I feel nothing for them, but that would obviously be strange and make them uncomfortable. I think praying alone is the best option for me, but then again, many scholars say congregational prayer is mandatory for all men? This really is a never ending dilemma.
Sometimes I also wonder, If God really created someone like me for a reason, why didn't He leave us one or two verses of solution? Why does He let people misunderstand and misidentify us with other bad people in His verses?
Around my last year of high school, I even put away all of my religious clothing. I started to feel like I was different from others, and I didn't want to be a hypocrite. Even now as an adult, I only remember a few duas and verses, my Arabic reading isn't very good, and I can't practice many things properly. I don't want people to think I'm a religious person anymore because, deep down, I know I'm not. I refuse to wear a prayer cap or religious clothes to the mosque since then. I prefer wearing casual shirts and long pants instead.
***
Suddenly, the sound of the iqamah breaks my thoughts. I move forward, straightening the line with the other men, then finally begin to start the Dhuhr prayer together. Oh, and if you're wondering if I can ever find focus in my prayers? The answer is: almost never.
After the Dhuhr prayer is done and closing it with a couples of sunnah prayers, I leave the mosque and look around for Alex. But he is nowhere to be found. Maybe he really is just my imagination, I think, laughing at myself.
"Hey, Billy, who on earth are you looking for? I've been standing here the whole time," Alex teases me from behind, saying the exact line that Clara said to me yesterday.
"Not again. Why does everybody keep saying that to me?" I say, feeling a bit annoyed.
Updated 06/09/2026
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