"So, Dave was the last guy you actually liked, right?" Alex asks me, making sure.
Alex and I are now at a mini park close to the train station. We spot an empty swing set; I decide to sit down, and Alex takes the one beside me.
"The last one I actually know personally... yeah," I answer softly while gently swinging.
After graduating from college, Clara asks me to look for a job out of town with her. But after my internship experience back in university, I feel completely incapable of working face-to-face with other people. If Clara hadn't been by my side back then, I wouldn't have even finished that internship. But in the real world, of course, I can't keep using her as a shield. I decide not to go with her; I don't want to become a burden to her future. I choose to work from home instead as an online freelance illustrator.
Now that college is over, I finally have time to focus on myself. I want to fix all these strange feelings that make me feel like a sinner. I start to increase my worship; making it a routine to pray Tahajjud at night, Dhuha in the morning, fasting nonstop every Monday and Thursday, and reading the Quran every day. I focus on my work, saving up money for a future marriage—basically doing any good deed recommended by my faith, begging God to fix me.
I also try to avoid meeting anyone to see if my mind can reset to normal. Honestly, I don't even want to think about women; I just want to be like I was when I was a kid—peaceful, without having to think about anyone at all.
Five years pass by, and I receive news about a high school reunion from Edward. I gather the courage to go. There, I meet my old friends, and everyone seems to have changed drastically. I see my female friends looking beautiful and elegant, and I smile calmly. But on the other hand, when I look at my male friends who have grown into mature men and now have their own partners, my heart starts racing and my chest feels tight.
I thought that after not seeing anyone for a long time, my mind would change to normal. It turns out, no. My attraction to men is still there, and it has even grown stronger.
Not long after, I meet Edward, who is now married and has a family; my heart grows even more chaotic. I feel dizzy and just want to go home. I spot Clara from a distance. She waves her hand and I wave back, but she is still busy chatting with other female friends. I had this tiny hope that after a long time without contact, I'd miss her or suddenly feel a spark. But no, my feelings for her still can't overcome my attraction to men. Long story short, I leave the reunion early.
***
Is this serious, God? Am I really gay? What am I supposed to do, then? These questions keep spinning in my head all the way home until the next day.
Since then, I start researching about being gay on the internet. I mean I already know about this from the mature sites before. But up until then, I always thought that same-sex attraction was just something made up or simply someone's own choice, just like most people say. I have never heard the actual stories from the people who live it. I stumbled upon a few non-adult, LGBT-themed movies that I've never watched before. If I didn't experience it myself, I might say everything I just saw on my screen was a lie. But after watching all of them, I realize those are the exact feelings I've been having all this time. I don't know why I only understand this right at that second.
I begin to retrace the steps of my past memories, trying to find out since when I started feeling this way. I, who never connected all these small signs in my life before, finally begin to see everything clearly as one continuous, whole picture. As it turns out, that feeling has been there since kindergarten. And as time goes by, it grows mature along with me too.
I only realize now that my attraction to women all the time is strictly limited to their personalities and what they wear. But with men, I am attracted from the very first moment I look at them, and everything else just follows. I wonder why I am like this. If it is really the influence of my environment, I myself never wanted this. And I have already tried hard to pray as much as I can, so why hasn't God saved me yet?
To make things worse, almost everyone says that these feelings can never be changed and can never go hand-in-hand with religion. What?!
Honestly, leaving this religion would be an easy and most logical solution. But for some reason, I still believe in my faith; almost all the verses I study make perfect sense to me. I also don't want to end up in hell later if it turns out my religion is right. If only I could find a way to make peace with both of them.
I start studying the translation of my Quran again. Every day, I read it little by little in order, trying to find if there is any verse that can explain why someone like me is created. I manage to find one or two verses that calm me down, but still, there is no clearly written solution to fix these feelings, other than the fact that I have to find it on my own.
I realize this is an internal conflict between me against my own body. Marrying a woman is the religious advice most people give, but I believe anything based on a lie will only hurt someone in the end later, so I'm not going to do it just for my own sake. It's not worth the guilt. It might actually work if it's built based on pure honesty and less expectation from each family, but I don't think it's even practical in reality.
There is also a theory that all of this trouble comes from external beings. Even if that is true, I pray all the time, even though my prayers are not perfect. Doesn't God judge people based on their own efforts and eventually save them from anyone who disturbs them? This is a spiritual problem, not a concrete one. Is it true that God asks us to seek help from others and perform their rituals instead of asking Him directly? This actually contradicts the religion itself. It is a risky choice.
Holding myself forever seems to be the only safe option left that doesn't completely cross my religion's line that I can think of right now. I have no other choice but to do it while still hoping and waiting that maybe God will one day give me an answer to fix my condition or show me another way.
Holding everything in until now is already hard, let alone having to hold it in forever. Imagine every day I have to see men, whether in pictures or in real life, which of course always triggers my thoughts and my body. It's actually not going to be that bad if only I had at least a shred of hope—a hope that I can have one of them someday with a real blessing from God, like normal people have too. But that's impossible for me because it already contradicts my religion in a literal way. Being close friends with them is also painful because I can only watch other people have them while I can't. It feels unethical anyway, because it feels like I'm just like any other woman trying to get close to them, but in the body of a man.
Life feels lonelier and lonelier as time goes on. Being close friends with women at this adult age can also lead to misunderstandings. This is the reason why I don't contact Clara and my female friends anymore. I don't want to send the wrong signals if I get too close to them. It's better if they forget me now; I don't want to waste their precious time which they need to use most to find their own true future.
Sometimes, I feel so tired and really want to share my life and love stories with the people closest to me, just like normal people do—and to make sure they don't feel pushed away. But even opening up about my condition to my own family... some of them have already had enough of hearing my story for the second time, think it's all just a phase and my total imagination. Maybe I can only share this with anyone who is just like me. But where can I find them anyway? It's not like we're free to be whoever we want to be around here. Even if we can manage to find each other, is it even safe for us all to be together in the same place?
Since realizing I am gay, I feel like a monster that has to stay away from everyone, even from little kids. Sometimes in my mind, I think their parents might worry about a single guy who never dates like me hanging around with their kids. What if their kids turn out to be gay later? I don't want to get blamed as a bad influence on them. It's better if they all just stay away from me, you know? Good thing I don't care about my appearance anymore since I am not looking for anyone. Sometimes I let my hair grow long, or I cut it myself. If people see me as strange and avoid me, that's actually great for me.
Or maybe I should just get a pet like a fish or a cat so that I don't have to be alone and I can tell them my stories. But then again, I hate crowds and I can't imagine if they die around me someday, so... no, thank you.
I know maybe I'm overthinking things, but all of these boundaries are very real, and my religion teaches the exact same thing. Most of the troubles in this world, even the biggest ones, are simply caused by ignoring small things like these. So yeah.. I just want to make sure I don't hurt anyone around me, because I hate it when the guilt comes back to haunt me.
Looking at men is wrong, looking at women is wrong, even looking at children is creepy now—on the streets, it feels like I can't look at anyone at all. Maybe the shortsightedness that God gave me actually has a reason behind it.
Living this life where everything feels wrong in this adulthood, combined with my slowness issue, makes it even harder for me to find a reason to be happy. To think that even drawing or listening to music is considered a sin in my religion? I feel like everything I like always ends up crashing with my own religion.
As the years go by, my motivation to work is fading away, as I can no longer see the point of my life. I start to worry about how I'm going to survive in the future. I try to meet a therapist to help me find a solution, but I still can't find one. Sometimes I have to squeeze my own brain to invent my own life philosophies that can motivate me, because the general ones don't apply to me. But even that only lasts for a few months or weeks before it fails to encourage me again, forcing me to find a new concept all over again. I wonder what kind of life concept can actually work for me.
Just recently, I also had a conflict with my family, so I had to move to a new place for a while. With my meeting with Clara yesterday, I thought God would start giving me answers to my condition, or if not, I wanted to start telling Clara everything. But before I even have the chance to tell her, I have to face the bitter reality that she is engaged to Dave—the guy I liked first and had to let go, whom Clara didn't even like back then. Now, I also have to be hit by a new reality that every person truly pairs up as man and woman, while my own future looks like a total blackout. I've really run out of ideas and hope to think positively anymore. I really don't know what I have to do next.
"I feel like I really can't wait to just disappear from this world," I vent to Alex, letting out a heavy sigh.
I stop my swing, looking at the sky, hoping God really hears my wish. Alex, watching me from my side, then follows my gaze up to the sky, still swinging but slowly.
"So... took you long enough to realize you're gay, huh?" Alex says, breaking my moment again.
I mean, after all of that I've said to him, that's the only thing that comes out in his mind? Really?
"Well, I told you, right? I'm a slow learner... or never even learn, I don't know, whatever it fits," I say back to him.
Updated 06/14/2026
© billysan89. All rights reserved.
No comments:
Post a Comment