"So, Billy... did you already have 'girly' habits when you were a kid?" Alex asks, checking. "Like, do you always like this pink?" He points to my wax duck toy, which I still use to check on whoever passes by. "Or do you always choose cute toys, like this, over the boy toys, like model cars or something?
"Hmm... I guess. To be honest, most of the things I like and do are kind of girly," I admit. "You're right, I never liked toy cars. My aunties used to buy me ones, and my mother once bought me a bicycle version too. I appreciated their thoughts, really. But I couldn't help but laugh at how ugly those were to me." I laugh a little. "I preferred to play with cartoon figures, plushies, or robots that had unique looks—mostly ones that were cute and had vibrant colors. Anything that looked different from real life, because I don't know why, reality just quickly bores me."
"Same goes with colors. I am always attracted to bright, artificial shades that are rarely seen in nature. Like this pink," I gesture to my duck toy. "But if it's too dull, I'm not interested anymore. I like any color as long as it stands out."
"But out of all colors, which one is your most favorite?" Alex asks.
"Red, I think. That's why I like this pink; it's reddish. I'd probably die of boredom if there were no red on this earth," I joke. "Well, except for blood... It terrifies me."
"What about blue? Like your jacket?" Alex teases.
"I... actually don't like blue," I make a point. "But I don't know why, somehow blue always looks good on me," I say, grumbling a bit while looking at my reflection in a shop window with my hands on my hips. I can see through the glass that Alex is smiling right behind my back.
"What about sports? Did you like playing ball?" Alex asks, moving to his next list.
"Nope. Volleyball, basketball, soccer, tennis, ping-pong... I've tried them all. I'm bad at them. I can't throw the ball, can't kick it, can't hit it, can't catch it, can't control it. I never get better at it, so I might as well just give up," I explain.
"Was there any other sport that you liked?" Alex asks again.
"Well, I used to like cycling or jogging. But then I had to interact with my neighbors, and I'm also so clumsy. I always freak out when I'm bleeding. So yeah, I stopped unless I really had to," I say. "Am I just the lamest or what?"
"So, what did you like to do back then?" Alex turns to me again.
"Good thing I can draw. I've always loved watching cartoon characters on TV, comics, magazines or sometimes on my mom's tabloids. Their colors, their unique shapes, their fashion—they always caught my eye, making me want to create my own. So that's when I started learning how to draw, it turned out I was actually good at it. And it eventually became my career as an illustrator to this day. Honestly, I don't think I have any other skills besides this," I confess.
"Cool. So let's talk about cartoons back then, which ones did you prefer? Girl shows or boy shows?" Suddenly, Alex is interested in this topic.
"Well, mostly girl shows," I grin. "I never understood the stories back then, so I just watched their characters. I always loved the princesses. Their hair, their dresses, their magical items, their powers—it all seemed like a perfect combination to me. Meanwhile, characters on boy shows are usually dull and boring to me. That's probably why they were never my favorites. And here I thought I was just being a normal boy." I say to Alex.
Alex chuckles a little, then asks for more. "So, did you ever imagine yourself as a princess when you were a kid?"
"Yes, when I was alone. But I didn't wear any girly stuff like dresses, skirts, or accessories. I actually tried my sister's once, but they looked so ugly on me, so I just decided that they were never meant for me. I could only imagine how the princesses moved, how elegantly they walked with their dresses, and somehow, maybe it affected how I walked back then.
But then school started, and I saw how my friends walked. I realized I looked so weird and I didn't want to get picked on. So I had to force myself to change it back to a manly walk. And I did succeed, I think. Even though it took time and it's still not completely perfect," I tell Alex.
"And maybe this is also why I still have hope that I can change myself to like women. If I could change how I walked before, then probably I can change who I like too, right?" I explain my theory. "But then again, there's a long bucket list of habits I need to change if I really want to act exactly like a man. Even when I sit, I always cross my legs. My voice on the phone is also still mistaken for a woman's. Do I really need to change everything about me?"
Suddenly we saw a drag queen busking across the street, with children around them, cheering and mocking.
"So, how did you react when you saw drag performers like that when you were little?" Alex asks.
"WelI back then, I thought they were just ordinary men trying to earn a living by being comedians or something. I never understood why people mocked them. I was never sure if they're annoyed by the children, or actually it's good for their business" I answer.
"Ok then, so let's review our answers so far...," Alex quickly moves the topic, "No sports, no toy cars, no manly skills, love vibrant colors, love arts, love princesses, but walk and talk like one... Oh, one more thing, if you could name your bike, laptop, or other belongings, would you give them male or female names?"
"Male, I guess," I grin.
"Oh, one last thing... Which do you have more of, female or male friends?"
"Female. I find it very difficult to talk to men."
"Yes, with all of that, do you think having all of these things lead to the conclusion that a boy is definitely gay?" Alex asks.
"Hmm... I used to think that. But now that the internet is accessible to everyone and information is easier to get and share, I guess I have started to learn a lot. People are brave enough to come out as gay now and turn out some of them are actually professionals, working in fields that demand masculinity such as athletes, soldiers and mechanics. On the other hand, some men who appear flamboyant aren't even necessarily gay either; many of them have female partners or already have loving families of their own. I guess being gay is just purely about an attraction between men, regardless of whether they are feminine or not."
"So, there's no connection, then?" Alex asks, drawing a conclusion.
"There's no connection, then," I echo, shaking my head.
We go quiet for a moment.
"Have you checked on that drag performer?" Alex asks, changing the topic. "What is the result?"
"Yup, one bubble. Still a woman," I answer unexcitedly. "But I think I saw two other empty bubbles after that, just for a split second. Do you know what they mean?" I ask Alex.
"Hmm, I don't know. It's probably nothing," Alex replies casually.
"Okay, then." I can only nod in agreement.
Updated 06/11/2026
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