"Hmm, Let's not jump to conclusions yet." Alex tries to calm me down.
"This could be because of that incredibly dark aura of yours I've been telling you about. There's a very big dark cloud covering your light right now. That must be the reason why we can only see blackouts in the water, I think you need to get rid of it first" Alex explains, sharing his theory.
"Really? But how?" I ask him back, buying his story.
"Well... can't you just make yourself cheerful again?" Alex asks lightly.
"That... I don't think I can. I've tried everything, but nothing works," I sigh.
"And why is that? Do you have even bigger problems?" he asks me, curious.
"It's nothing, actually. But I don't know why it's such a big thing to me," I confess. "I'm so pathetic in real life. It feels like everyone my age has grown up, they can keep up with the world, while I... I still don't understand so many things. I'm still clumsy and I struggle to do anything right."
"I'm bad at timing. I can't read situations. I don't know what to do at social events—parties, weddings, funerals, or anything. I can't share things. I can't remember or... process complex things, I think. I can't connect dots. I can't remember directions. I barely travel anywhere. I can't remember faces, even my own. I can only recognize people by how they sound. A lot of times people seem pissed because I bump into them, yet I still fail to recognize who they are. How can I hold a conversation with all of this going on? It feels like I'm so lame and no fun at all, you know. Honestly, even little kids seem more mature than I am. Do you understand what I mean?"
"Hmm," Alex hums. I can only presume he understands.
"I thought if I could find something I liked in this world, maybe all of these problems would slowly go away. I could move forward, focus on what I like, and feel motivated to fix my life. Like everyone else does?" I say, a bit unsure. "But it's so hard for me to find something I like. And once I finally do... it's like I'm at odds with the entire universe and everything in it," I add.
"Because you can only like men, but a relationship between men is forbidden, is that it?" Alex tries to connect the dots.
"Yes. And I still haven't found a solution for those two big problems of mine—you know, being slow at life, and... being gay, I suppose," I say it in a lower voice. "And I keep hurting people day by day. And I'm going to end up in Hell anyway. So yeah, that basically explains why I feel so completely down right now."
"Well, you could just quit your religion if it's too hard for you. Problem solved, right?" Alex says calmly.
"I know, I do understand that I am the one trapping myself here. But I still believe in my faith. Almost all of my God's verses that I study make perfect sense to me. It's only this one part that goes against who I am, but yet it's a huge red flag for the whole point of this religion," I say honestly. "I believe there must be a reason why God made me like this. But I still can't find it, and I don't know what to do or think anymore."
I take a short breath before letting it all out.
"Also, this is my lowest point, anyway. And it's good to know that I already have other ways to escape from this pain whenever I'm ready. But I feel like sooner or later, I'll face this again, because this is what I have always feared in my entire life. So I really need to find a real solution first. That way, if I ever end up in this state again, at least I can tell myself I'll be fine."
"Well, if that's really what you want, then maybe our meeting here is fate," Alex says. "It's funny, because I'm actually on my way to give a message to your friend, Clara too."
"Want to come along and see her? Maybe this time, with me, you'll finally find the answers you've been looking for all along," Alex fixes his eyes on me. "What do you say? Is it worth a try?"
"Wait, you mean go see her right this second?" I ask, holding back.
"Yes. Are you in or out?" Alex asks again.
"Hold on," I stop him.
What should I do, God? Is this a good idea? What if he's a demon trying to trick me? Or a criminal who will take advantage of me now that he knows my secrets? Will You keep me safe? My heart races with fear.
Bismillah... "Okay... I'll come," I say, nodding a little, still a bit unsure.
"Well, let's go, then," Alex says, pointing our way out with his thumb. Together, we begin to walk.
***
Interlude
In the void, I often imagine myself drifting away, floating in the middle of darkness surrounded by the twinkling stars. It's so peaceful and quiet. Just me, completely alone, free from everyone. I close my eyes; my body feels light. I treasure every breath I take without feeling rushed by the time.
But before long, loud voices begin to echo, breaking the silence, even though I still see no one around.
"There must be something you did wrong," I hear an echo coming from my right.
"Everything is created in pairs," says an echo coming from my left.
"Men are always with women," says an echo coming from behind me.
I turn around, but still, I can't find anyone.
"But if that's true, what about the Earth?" I scream back at the echoes, spinning around, not knowing where to face. "What is its pair? Is it the moon, the sun, the sea? Or the sky?" No one replies.
"If hot goes with cold, then what about 'warmth'? What is its match?" I ask them one more time.
I challenge the echoes back because I know the answer now, that everything that comes in pairs is never an object, it's always a trait. While an object is always mixed up between a lot of traits.
"What you feel isn't real," I hear another tiny echo.
"It's all just your own desire," another whispers from somewhere else. They're not listening to what I've just said to them.
I fall silent, starting to doubt myself. They could be right. I don't even understand what I really feel, myself.
"What about those born without clarity, neither man nor woman? Who are their partners?" I ask the echoes again.
I know the answers. It's never about the objects—man or woman physically. It's the traits within them, human traits in general. The pair to 'normal' is always queer. The pair to masculine is always feminine. Humans always have both; the difference is always the amount of each within them. Things always have both hot and cold elements in them. What makes something hot, cold, or warm is always the intensity of both. The earth, moon, sun, sky, and sea were never meant to be pairs of each other. A pair is always about what's above and what's below.
I was going to explain this to them, but then a whisper came to my right ear, saying...
"You're just hearing things; they aren't real,"
"Have you ever actually seen them with your own eyes?" another whisper in my left ear.
"Are you a pervert, Billy?"
Suddenly, loud laughter comes from all directions, making fun of me.
***
"So, when exactly did you start having feelings for men, Billy?"
Alex's voice suddenly startles me, waking me up from my daydream as we continue our journey to meet Clara.
Updated 06/14/2026
© billysan89. All rights reserved.
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