Sleep is the time that I'm always waiting for. I am tired of this life that's always full of pain and limits. In dreams, all of that is gone. I can move freely without leaving any marks. If only I could stay like this forever.
But then my phone alarm rings in the very, very early morning, waking me up in this impossible world once again. The pain in my body suddenly reminds me of all of my life problems on earth.
"Ugh, morning already?" I groan then immediately say my wake up prayer line.
Why do You still keep me here, God? Why did You create me like this? Can't You just make me disappear from this world? I wake up with these questions every single day.
The photo I saw last night still hit me badly. What are You trying to tell me, God? Is this another punishment? What else must I do to return to Your path?
My head's so full and my chest feels tight. I won't be able to finish my illustration work if I stay like this. Should I take the day off and focus on clearing my mind?
Even though I still feel lazy, I force myself out of bed to take Wudhu for the Tahajjud prayer that I've been praying regularly now. I think this is also the perfect moment to ask for His guidance on what I should do today.
***
Time flies by. After doing all my quite morning routines, wake up, pray, sleep then wake up again, then take a bath then pray again, Finally I am ready to head out. It's 8:00 AM now and the sky outside is bright but a bit cloudy. It's also Tuesday, my favorite day. So I decide to walk to the park and there is probably a little something I want to buy too, there. Perhaps it can distract me while I sit at my usually quiet favorite bench.
I pack a mini disposable raincoat into my jacket pocket, just in case. I look at myself in the mirror: a thirty-year-old guy, short and thin, with messy hair as usual, wearing glasses, an outgrown dark blue hoodie, black pants, and sandals. It's very unattractive, of course, which is perfect. The last thing I want is to groom myself and send mixed signals. No way. I'm not looking for anyone, and I'm not going to make people feel 'that' uncomfortable, just as I feel 'that' uncomfortable around them. You'll see what I mean soon.
OK. Phone in my left pocket—checked. Wallet in my right pocket—checked. Tahajjud and Istikharah prayers last night—checked. Dhuha prayer just now—checked. Bismillah, I hope You show me the right path today. I step outside finally feeling a bit more secure.
After thirty minutes of walking, I notice my problem is still there. Nothing has improved; in fact, it might even be getting worse. I intentionally walk through the crowded side of the city—a place that I usually avoid.
I see men and women passing by. For the first second, they all appear clear to me. But the next second, things start to get weird. The women start to fade away until I can only see their hair and clothes. Meanwhile, the men remain clear—even way too clear, as if they're glowing with little sparks and a warm brightness that makes me feel so 'that' uncomfortable.
No matter how many times I rub my eyes, the result is still the same: the only figures I can see clearly are the men. If I were a girl, perhaps I could just accept it and say that 'maybe this is what I like'. But I'm a guy, and all I know is that guys aren't supposed to like other guys?
So, "Maybe this is what I... what?" What is the right word to finish that sentence?
***
Reaching the park gate, my eyes are still fixed on my favorite bench in the distance. I walk along the path while still continuing to question my own true feelings. I probably wouldn't mind this feeling if everyone in this world were just friends, like back in our childhood days. But looking around, almost everyone is coupled up, chasing the ones they love, and building their own families. Their faces look so calm and happy. It makes me want that, too. If guys are the only ones I can like and that makes me different from the others, I wouldn't even mind—it looks beautiful to me anyway.
But why do You forbid something this small, God?
On the other hand, I get why You prohibit this, and it all makes sense. But if this is really not what You want, I've spent my whole life praying and trying. So, why haven't You changed me yet? I'm so confused about where I went wrong. If I'm the one who can't use my brain right, couldn't You just show me how? Don't You want to prove to the world that this is something that can be fixed easily? Or was someone like me actually destined for hell from the very first day?
Seeing all the joy of those around me with their partners, friends, and families, makes my chest feel even tighter. I whisper in my heart, God, am I going to feel like this forever? I always pray for the best from You; is this truly what is best for me?
I stop in my tracks when I see a bubble toy seller in front of me. Just as I expected, they do have those 'classic wax duck water pouch' toys that I've been looking for. I don't really know what it's called, but they look like a goldfish inside a plastic bag, only they're filled with miniature wax ducks instead. The pouches are half-filled with clear, tinted water in pink, green or blue. Looking at the ducks floating beautifully through the plastic pouch makes me smile, and I could stare at it all day. It brings back memories of how I used to beg my parents so badly to buy one for me.
I want to buy one and start to move toward the seller, but then I take a step back and turn around. I spent all my courage buying Clara a chocolate yesterday. I need time to recharge my courage before I can talk to people again, I think to myself.
***
Finally, I make it to my favorite bench. It's empty, just as I thought—probably because it's right under the sun and has no shade. I sit down and lean back. "Ugh, I hate my life," I whisper softly, letting out a heavy sigh.
As I sit there, the photo of Clara and her fiancé flashes in my mind again. I remember having old photos of them from their college days on my phone. After searching for a bit, I find them. I pick the best photo of each of them, along with a few others, and move them into a new, separate folder. God, please, for the last time, give me a sign if there is still hope for me, I pray, closing my eyes for a moment. Okay, I'm ready. Bismillah.
I raise my phone, open the new folder then look closely at Clara's photo first. She is the only girl who doesn't make me lose focus in the first second. I have always loved her wavy bob hairstyle and she always looks so chic wearing anything. I keep staring at it, wishing with all my heart that I could love her. If I can just like her, maybe I can like other women too, I think.
My smile feels flat as I look at her. Just five seconds later, my mind is already wandering, and I completely forget what I'm even looking at.
Next, I swipe to her fiancé's photo then look at it. I think I know where this is going. Instantly, I smile—a real, honest smile. I lose track of time just staring at him; it feels like I could do it forever. This is how I'm supposed to feel about Clara, I tell myself.
To be absolutely sure, I try it again. I swipe back to Clara's photo for the second time. The result is still the same; my focus drifts away within seconds. It's her fiancé's turn, but this time I choose his worst photo. Even then, he still looks beautiful to my eyes.
Now, for the third and final attempt. I whisper a prayer, God, just show me this once that I can.
I close my eyes for a moment, then open them again. I look at Clara's photo with all the hope I have left. But the reality remains unchanged. Frustrated, I swipe hard back to the fiancé's photo. Instantly, it feels like I can see flowers blooming everywhere.
"Okay, that settles it. I'm definitely going to hell," I mutter while shaking my head.
Suddenly, I hear an unfamiliar voice right behind me. "So... which one do you like best?"
I jump in shock and turn around. It's him. Clara's fiancé. I sit there frozen, unable to say a single word.
Updated 06/09/2026
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