"Wait a second," I cut him off. I look at him sideways, wondering if he really knows everything. "Do you actually know where we are going?"
"To see your friend, Clara, right?" Alex answers easily. "She is heading back to the city for work. Her train leaves at four this afternoon from the station near her house. We need to catch her before then, don't we?"
I am completely stunned. "How do you even know all of that?"
"Well, I do have my own informants," Alex smiles, looking pleased with my confusion.
"But that station is pretty far from here. Are we really going to walk the whole way? I thought angels could just, you know... blink and be there?" I ask, still feeling a bit suspicious.
"I certainly could, but what about you?" Alex points out. "Do you want to see her or not? I'm here to keep you company. How often do you get the chance to take a stroll with an angel like this anyway?" He gives a slight smile while pointing his thumbs up to himself. "Besides, you seem to have a lot of stories you want to tell, I guess?" Alex says while watching something above my head.
"How can you tell?" I ask curiously.
"Well, I can't read your mind exactly, but I can see your aura colors. I can tell if you're trying to be honest or lying, or if you like someone or not, or if you're holding something big in your mind. It all looks very clear to me," Alex reveals.
"So, now, how about we just take a slow walk? We can talk about anything. Whatever you like, or something that makes you happy, I don't know. I've got time. And maybe after that, who knows, this dark cloud covering your light will fade, and you'll finally see your future soulmate. What do you think? Sounds good?"
I fall silent for a moment. "I guess... but why are you helping me? What's your deal anyway? Is there any catch?"
"Nothing, okay," Alex laughs lightheartedly. "I'm an angel. It's my job to help anyone in need. My 'boss' will be very pleased and I might even get a reward if I succeed," he explains. "So don't worry, there's no catch at all. I purely just want to help."
"Wow... thank you very much, then," I reply, feeling a bit relieved.
"Don't mind it," he replies. "So, where do you want this to start?"
Suddenly, Alex's question that has been cut off earlier flashes back in my mind: When exactly did I start having feelings for men?
***
"Don't forget, everyone—we all meet here at six tomorrow morning! Don't stay up too late, or you won't be able to wake up on time," my teacher reminded us about the Independence Day carnival our school was participating in.
"Yes, Teacher!" we answered in unison.
Our school was joining others to parade through the neighborhood, wearing traditional Indonesian costumes from various provinces. Clara and I were assigned the traditional attire from Kalimantan. I wore the male version, and she wore the female one.
The next morning at 5:30 AM, my mother and I arrived at school. I noticed that only I and my female classmates had arrived early, all dressed up from home. Only one other boy had shown up. It felt like forever waiting for the others. I was bored listening to the parents and teachers chatter. Back then, I wasn't very good at making friends, including with Clara. They were just familiar faces to me.
After nearly an hour, the other boys finally started to arrive—and as usual, some were late. Why are boys always late? I wondered to myself.
We gathered for instructions. Suddenly, one of my male friends said to his mother, who seemed skilled with makeup, "Mom, draw a mustache on me!"
"Alright, alright," she laughed.
Seeing that, the other boys began pleading with their mothers too. "Mom, I want one too!" "Me too!" Before long, almost all the boys had different styles of mustaches drawn on their faces.
"There, you look handsome now!" one father praised his son.
"Look at me, I look like a grown man now!" another boy boasted.
"Hahaha, your mustache looks weird!" "Yours too!" They teased each other and laughed.
I watched them from a distance, sitting quietly with my mother and the group of girls.
I used to feel just fine when I looked at all my friends, but when the boys put all their mustaches on, I felt something strange happened to me. Why do they look so different now? I asked myself. Suddenly, I felt a cold sensation around my chest as if something had been sliced inside. I really don't know how to describe it well. My breath felt short and I got chills, but that's not it. I had never felt anything like this before.
But then it was gone just like that. I wonder what that was all about. It leaves me with that question every time I feel it. It's like my brain couldn't accept the idea of my friends turning into 'adults.'
Suddenly, a friend's mother offered the same to me. "Does Billy want a mustache too?"
I shook my head quickly. No.
"Alright everyone, are we ready?" my teacher asked.
"Ready, Teacher!" "Let's go then!"
I began walking with Clara by my side, following the parade in line. Everyone looked happy, but I always hated crowds, cramped spaces, costumes, and celebrations. Now I had to watch my friends with their fake mustaches too; I just couldn't wait to get home and forget all of their faces.
***
"So, do you think you've already felt it since you were five years old?" Alex asks me to confirm, bringing me back to the present.
"I guess. But back then, the feeling was still so small, not as big as I feel nowadays," I confess.
"Hmm... interesting," Alex replies, looking like he already has some follow-up questions to ask.
Updated 05/22/2026
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